Mari(k)onette: That Never Happened
by spoonerdog123
Summary: In which the First Puppet, Yami: Bakura, discovers fanfiction the hard way. And be warned, it isn't pretty down there... Adopt pairing 3 - Yakou X Yami Bakura, written for the YGO FF Contest, Season 9.75, round 5. AU, ridiculous attack on horrible fanfiction writing, fourth wall slaughtered.


**Warnings: **Spellig + gwammar isseus in sum aeras, wich May or May not b to yoru leikig.

It's also pretty crackish, serving as an extremely rough beating on what I'd consider to be aspects of bad fanfiction and not much else. It's stupid, it makes no sense, it's disjointed, and it's a very arrogant, angry little piece. With MORALS, because MORALS are COOL.

...Yeah, you've been warned. Abandon all hope, ye who read on. Brace yourself for some of the snobbiest morals and the worst pieces of fiction you may ever read; no, I'm not actually kidding about this. After all, they were heavily 'inspired' by some pretty cringe-worthy works I read during the 'research' for this (which consisted of deep-frying my brain's circuitry with a large number of truly horrible pieces of fanfiction).

In other words, it's the closest I will ever come to being a total troll.

I am thoroughly ashamed.

**Please note: **Some may consider this work a violation of Rule 3 of the website:

"Entries not allowed [...] 3. MST: comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story."

However, I would like to point out that while there is a commentary running through the flow of the story passages, the rule states that I can't do it with a **copied **story (which is pretty reasonable, to be honest - I can see where they're coming from with copyright issues there). None of the story passages I have were copied, they were all written off my own back; thus, I'm reasonably sure that this is allowed...

**Length: **498 words of sanity... then 2,340 of absolute _pain _(trust me on this one), making for a total of 2,838 words.

**Time Period: **Same AU as the other Mari(k)onette oneshots – the beginning is set towards the end of Mari(k)onette: Tomorrow Never Comes, and the piece ends with a partial explanation of the ending of that fic.

It's not necessary to read them all in order, though it probably helps a little bit. If you wish to read all eight one-shots in the order in which they were written (the order that gives you the best story arc out of it), you can find all of them on my profile - use this order:

Mari(k)onette: Yesterday Never Forgets

Mari(k)onette: Today Never Ends

Mari(k)onette: Tomorrow Never Comes

Mari(k)onette: That Never Happened

Mari(k)onette: Loyalty Never Works

Mari(k)onette: Memory Never Dies

Mari(k)onette: Gambling Never Pays

Mari(k)onette: StopStart, PlayPause

**Handicap:**_'There are three rules that will apply to all fics this round: _

_1. I must state what one typical/logical path of the particular ship might be, or a common path if there is one (for instance, Mai is likely to be tortured or lose her memory if the pairing is Illusionshipping)... and then do the exact opposite._

_2. All my stories in this round have to take place in one single AU created from a nightmarish combination of the two most crack AU ideas I have written down over the last four rounds. The stories must take place in the same AU, and need to reference each other somehow – the catch is that I currently don't know whether I will get my desired adopt pairings or not, and I can only write two of the fics at any one time (I have to do the first two before I can take on the third, and after that can only take one adopt pairing at a time.) _**_The stories must be able to be read as individual one-shots._**

___3. The story must be written in an unusual POV and/or tense.'_

**Feedback: **...Feel free to flame me on this one. In fact, I actually _invite _you to go and tell me 'UR FIC SUX LOLOLOL', if you are that way inclined. Trust me, you'll probably want to strangle me by the end – well, if you even _make_ it to the end. Good luck with that one.

**POV Used: **I... I just can't. I'm sorry, but I cannot even begin to describe the monstrosity that is the POV used. Rest assured that you're not gonna get used to it any time soon.

**Pairing To Be Inverted: **Yakou Tenma X Yami Bakura. Not an easy one to invert, seeing as it's rather uncommon, and it's hard to see where the heck it would logically go when it isn't logical. Still, they're both pretty dark characters, so surely the fic would be fairly darkish, fairly straightforward.

And so, I declare this one to be silly and stupidly complicated.

* * *

**Mari(k)onette: That Never Happened**

Yakou Tenma is at the very end of his tether. For hours now, the patient before him has denied time and time again that he had anything to do with the murders of those two boys; even bringing in the witnesses hasn't made the kid change his tune. At the end of the day, he's got to admit that Ryou Bakura really is determined.

But in the end, the doctor will have him confess, or catch him saying something that proves the pale teen's lost his mind. Dammit, he will – this will make him every bit as successful as that perfect little prick, Ge–

"You have a brother, don't you?"

The doctor grits his teeth – exactly the person he doesn't want to talk about, and Ryou brings it back to Gekkou every time. For a second, he thinks he spots a glint of malice in those dopey brown eyes… no. Ryou's so gentle, he'd never be deliberately baiting his own psychiatrist!

He swallows the harsh response forming on his tongue, and instead gives the pale boy a plastic, condescending smile. "I–I had a twin. His name was Gekkou."

The boy's gaze suddenly hardens, features sharpening. "Do you know, our host's sister was run over by a truck?" He giggles. "She was getting too close to him, so we gave her a good shove. We even timed it, so she'd have one fleeting second to look up, see the vehicle bearing down on her, and then…" – and here he snaps his fingers, the sharp sound making Yakou jump in fear (good grief, since when has that ever happened to him?) –"…Wham. Flat as a pancake."

An evil little snigger, and Yakou's jaw drops. "You killed– "

"Yes, _you_ killed your brother. You'll never surpass him." Suddenly the tables have been turned; Yakou stiffens, and Ryou–who–is–not–Ryou–any–more presses him further. "We are Yami. And Darkness knows everything."

Yami. His worst enemy, the thing that took him over before, made his eye twitch and his own body act on his silent, unspoken, _usually_ controllable urge to kill his annoying twin brother someday – and now it's standing right here in front of him. "You."

Yami: Bakura leers at him. "Yes, us." A slight pause, to let this sink in, then: "We keep a count, you know. Our puppet has claimed ninety–nine lives so far, while we were trapped in the time loop... And guess what, it's about to take another. Our host broke that time looping spell your Pegasus buddy set on us to stop us from using this puppet in the real world; with your death, we will be free to use this one."

"You... you wouldn't, would you?" Yakou looks up into those eyes, that now flicker between blue, brown, red, and green, and he finds no mercy whatsoever there.

The teen grins psychotically, rolling up the sleeves of his jacket. "You made a major mistake in questioning my host until he snapped, Yakou. Brace yourself!"

* * *

**THE GREAT BIG HUGE TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME CHEESY FILLED CHOCOLATELY COATED YGO FANFICTION CONTEST, AS BLOGGED ABOUT BY LITTLE WATAPON!**

ROUND SIX THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY THREE 

**Challenge: **Write a continuation fic of the above scenario. Must include the ship Yakou X Bakura; but other than that it may be whatever you like - AU, canon, anything you want. Go crazy!

* * *

_A/N: Hey, gaiz! 'Dis ma fist contet, soh bee ncie! _

_'what are you doing' said yakkou then baura unzipedd is fly an thy take of all thier cloves, evne thoer undrweer! Then bakra said 'don't worry, imma olny you know wat you a little bit' and yakoo said 'omg u so sexy! 3' and bkura said, 'thankyou vrey much. kay, let's you know wat now' and yakou said 'OK' and they did it, beaver style._

_'ohhhhh' said bakura, 'that feels good?!'_

_yakou woz undre bakura, getting sum you know what he said 'I agree!'_

_and it was great the end_

___have a nice day plz rveeiw._

* * *

**Yakou and Yami: Bakura stare at each other in horrified disbelief, both thinking exactly the same thought. **

**They did ****_not _****just do that. They're going to quietly ignore that they were ever forced to act out any of that, because if they think about the awful mental scarring it's left on them both, they'll probably both commit suicide, and they'll likely do it _repeatedly _until the author takes pity on them and kills them for good.  
**

**After a long moment, Yakou raises his voice, shaky in the seemingly empty void that had resulted from there being literally no setting in the story: "This is going to be a rough ride..."**

**With a grunt, the First Puppet picks up one of the garlic cloves off the floor, weighing it against an unzipped fly cushion in its other hand. "Why were you wearing these, anyway?"**

* * *

_Moral of story: Bill Gates gave us Microsoft Word – and by extension, Spellcheck – for a REASON. Use it!_

* * *

_((Hey, peeps. Tihs was really fun to write; I weally hate Baukra, so hop you enjoyed this! I thnk its realy god! I luv writing crack!_

_p.s – Flames not allowed! Eff off!))_

_*Yacko's POV*_

_I grinned, looking at Bakrua. "I think I'll just get rid of you now."_

_Baruka imediately lunged for me, but I grouped his rear end, ad he fell to the ground, paralysed. "Give up already?", I taunted him._

_Barkua looked up at me; "Bastard! How do you do it?"_

_So I tore off my shirt to show Brauka my bra "Im secretly a girl that's why I could grope you so well"_

_Brakua gawped "That's impossible"_

_I laughed, showing Bakrau my fangs: "It's possible, oh yeah and forgot to tell you, I'm a vampire."_

_Then I drank all his blood, and he died, andhen I took over the world and it was awesome and stuffs._

_*Bkaura's POV*_

_OMG i kan't beleive he did that nnot frair wah wah wah i'm soooo stoopid_

_PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE R+R!_

* * *

**Yakou blinks, hooking up his companion to a bloodbag pulled from Hammerspace (because let's face it, there's so little logic in this story that he can do pretty much whatever he likes). "What the ****_hell _****was that about?"**

**With a grunt, Yami: Bakura sits up, rubbing his forehead. "Beats us. And just ****_how _****many times was our name spelled incorrectly?"**

**"Actually, I don't think the author even got it right ****_once._****"**

**"Remind us: When this is all over, we've got some writers to slaughter."**

**"I'll be happy to help."**

* * *

_Moral of story: Even if it's 'crack', it's gotta make SOME degree of sense in context.  
_

* * *

_If anyone dares flame me, I'll kill them! This is mostly about Bakura, because I don't know who Yakou is. XDDD_

_'Kūgā!', cried Yami Bakura, raising his arms jettofōsu. 'Miruku no yōna hijō ni kumo!'_

_Yakou screamed as the huge thunderbolt shot towards him. _

* * *

**The green-haired man stops and blinks. "Wait a second. Why would you yell 'Cougar', and raise your arms 'jet force'? And how the hell is howling 'Very spiders like milk' going to summon a thunderbolt?"**

**Yami: Bakura shrugs. "We have no idea."**

* * *

_'Naze supūnātorōringu wa dokushadesu ka?', yelled out Yakou, and Yami Bakura responded in kind:_

_'Kanojo wa sore no yō ni kanjite irunode! Jōku de no tame ni banzai!'_

_'Saten no rūju-kaku!', the green haired thing yelled, and a huge dragon smashed into the room. 'Warui dajare!' Another dragon appeared, then another and another – and Yami Bakura just laughed, because he was so badass. _

_'NIWATORI!'_

_And then everything died, and Yakou was dead too, so Yami Bakura swiped his Millennium Purse and his fake fake purse and his real fake purse and his fake real purse and his real real purse and then he ran away._

* * *

**On waking up, Yakou finds himself withholding a very strong urge to run away screaming; he resists it somehow. "Wow. Any ideas on what was going on?****"**

**Yami: Bakura thinks about it, and also ponders on why the walls are all intact despite a random dragon showing up and smashing... something. "Chickens?" **

**"Well, I know you were shouting that last word, but–"**

**"Wait, we were? We thought ****_you _****were shouting it."**

**There is a long and distinctly awkward silence, while they look through their script copies... but even these two great criminal masterminds can't figure out who yelled 'NIWATORI!'.**

* * *

_Moral of story: Never, __**ever**__ pretend to be fluent in the weirdness that is Google Translate._

_And also, if you don't know who character xyz is, either look them up, or just don't admit that you don't have a clue who they are. _

* * *

_REVIEW PLEEZ! NO FLAMIN!1!_

_Yami Bakura stood over Yakou, laughing. He was wearing a white shirt that had a picture of a human hart held in a skull cup on it, only the hert was acually a gun and it was bleding and really symbolic. He also wore a long blu jacket wich had weirdo badges on it (i know, right?!) and a little spot of egg on the edge, and it had gold eging on it like a ringmaster's jacket (get it, becoz he's the master of teh RIng?!1). He had faded blue skinny jeans with rips in the knees an underwear that went wif them, and beige socks with red skull and crossbones on them, thogh you couldn't see those so well, and leather shoes (i luv you, LK!). He wore a penant around his neck, that looked like Yugi's puzzle only inverted and with a gold ring put around itand big dangly spiks hanging off it, and he had piecings in his ears. The piecings were really Egyptian and symbolic, too.  
_

_Yakou was not hahppy. He was wearing a red blazer like what people wear at school, and a black shirt that had a picture of a really goffic skull with a snake, only the snake was a robot and eating a rat ad being really symbolic. He also wore black trackpants like what you get at Target but cooler, and they had a belt buckle, and the rhinstones all sed 'i 3 puppies'. And he also had piceings, only those wer flyin horses (because hes Pegsus's adopted soin, get 8it?! Lololopol ii'n so clever), and he had flin horse sockz, an wore a necklace like Duke's, only the sword was stabbing a hand, he looked really awesome and stuffs._

_and then yami bkua stabed him with his own belt buckle, stab stab stab. _

_'MWAHAHA! NOW I WILL BE THE BEST-DRESSED YAMI IN THE WORLD!'_

_'No you won't, because I will be your wife!'_

_'...What?!'_

_Yakou pulled out a marriage contract._

_END_

* * *

**Yami: Bakura stares for a very long time at this latest monstrosity. "...Eh?"  
**

**With a disgusted look, Yakou removes the ill-fitting clothes the idiot author put him into, scrabbling around on the floor for his own. "Why would I even wear those?"**

* * *

_Moral of story: Setting description is good. Action description, a LITTLE appearance descriptions are good. But whole paragraphs about how character xyz is dressed? No._

* * *

_REVEIW PLZ! OR YAKURA FRIES YOUR ARSE!_

_So, I was just chilling in my room when WHAM there was a portal and I got sucked into the world of YGO. I saw Yami Bakura about to kill some random, so I went up to them. "Stop that."_

_"What's it to ya" He leered and I snarled. _

_"I'm secretly batmanz. BATMAN TRANSFORMATION POWERS, ACTIVATES! ROLL OUT!"_

_So, I turned into Batman. But then Yami Bakura yelled "ZOMBIE POWERS ACTIVATE!" and then there were zombies everywhere. So, I killed them all, and then I asked Yami Bakura if he was done and he said no, so then he summoned a huge egg which I ate for breakfast._

_"oh no!" he said, and then he tried to sue me but I yelled "OBJECTION!" and it was awesome, and Yami Bakura died._

_And that's how I saved Yakou._

* * *

**Yakou blinks. "...Seriously? I'm 'some random' in this fic?"**

**Yami: Bakura gets up, still smoking a little on the edges. "Who is this mysterious 'I'? Who is this mysterious 'Batman' creature?"**

**"I... I... I just don't know anymore."**

**"That's why we asked."**

* * *

_Moral of story: Don't ever put yourself into the plot. Also, try to make sure that a plot EXISTS._

* * *

i worked really hard on this TF enjoy plz

yummy bakuar woz taking off all yikouze cloves 'this won't hut too mhc' he sed jamig the nedlle in ykou back.

'aghg... wha tar yoo doin?' yaok grooned, and sudly all hiz cloves wre gone! Becoz ymai baukra took tmhe all ofs! a tail spouted bhind him an ykaou screamed 'whats happnin?' an Yamo Buraka said 'ur turning into a cat lol'. Yaku went to feel his head, but it wozn't human any more. His hands were pawns, he fell over, he was a kitty.

'NOOOOOO!'

the end

* * *

**Yakou growls (because come ON, logic's gone out the window, thus 'kitties' can growl), lashing his new tail. "Not funny."**

**Yami: Bakura shakes his head in disbelief; "What even happened? Where were our motivations? Your motivations?"**

**With a faint ****_pop_****, Yakou reappears in his human form, and that's about when the green–haired man pretty much explodes into a torrent of angry yelling, one eye twitching nastily: "WHY THE BLAZERS DID I RANDOMLY BECOME A CAT?!"**

**"Shhh. Only one more left." The pale boy takes a few deep breaths, encouraging Yakou to do the same. "One more, one more..."**

* * *

_Moral of story: Even when it comes to one-shots, plot = good. One long TF/sex/TG/vore scene = easy to do horrifically on. If you MUST do one of those, do the audience a favour and give it an intro, and reasons, and an ending – and geebus, give it a spellchecker!_

* * *

_Author: Heya all. So, this is from a prompt that got thrown around over on Fallr (like Tumblr but better!)– I think I've got a pretty good chance at it, so here goes!_

_Yami Bakura: Please R&R!_

_Yakou: The author doesn't own Yu–Gi–Oh!_

_oOoOoOoOo_

_Yakou stopped Bakura, staring into those mad eyes. "Wait a second!", he cried triumphantly; "You're really insecure, aren't you?"_

_Bakura stopped, mad tears welling in his mad eyes. "Waaaaah! How did you know?"_

_Yakou burst into crying at the sight of this, then went over and gave the teen a great big smoochie. "Don't worry, sweetie pie! I'll get you all better!"_

_Bakura clung to Yakou, sniffling. "I–I hope so."_

_"Don't worry! The power of friendship will prevail!" , Yakou exclaimed. _

_AND THEN THEY ROMPED OFF INTO THE SUNSET!_

* * *

**"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!", Yakou yowls as soon as he came back from the sunset, while Yami: Bakura attempts to pat out the flames that have resulted from either getting too close to the Sun, or pissing off half the non–existent readership, or possibly both. "Dammit, I'm making my own ending!"**

**The pale teen grins lopsidedly. "Well, if you really think you can do better–"**

**"Of COURSE I can do better! In fact, I'll show you right now!"**

* * *

_Moral of story: A little OOCness is okay – a little alliterative character interpretation, that's cool. Characters can be changed with really, REALLY good story reasoning – so, if you make Ryou a werewolf, you can successfully make him fairly OOC, providing you show repeatedly how the werewolf part of him is destroying his sanity or giving him a mass murderer instinct or something like that. Heck, even this idiot author has done things somewhere along those lines; if you've got a good reason for it and you develop it slowly, it's generally fine._

_However, when you've killed canon as many times as this godforsaken little AU of mine has, when you've broken the fourth wall, or when everyone's a kitty cat, all you've got left is names and personalities. So, even if you don't get them QUITE spot-on as the purists might try to, you should look after them as best you can. They're pretty important. _

* * *

_Yami: Bakura and Yakou stare at each other for a full twenty seconds. _

_"I'm not acting out any of those scenarios."_

_"We would never force even our puppet through such indignities!"_

_"So... Wanna run away?"A tender kiss, gone in a split second. "Go somewhere quiet? Alone?"_

_The pale teen blinks in confusion – then grins, taking the other man's hand. "We thought you'd never ask."_

* * *

**And Yami: Bakura facepalms a second later. "You're secretly gay?"**

**"Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you about that. So, do you think I've got a chance at winning this competition?" His eye twitches a little; "Review? Pleez?"  
**

**Yami: Bakura's eyes light with a whole new level of hatred. "We're going to kill every last dratted author who dares write this stuff. Starting with ****_you._****"**

**"But first, we've gotta go somewhere quiet. Right?" Any idiot can see that Yakou's completely cracked; his head lolls to one side, eyes unmoving. Yami: Bakura laughs for a full ten minutes at the sight - the puppet came close to cracking, but Yami are accustomed to a certain degree of madness; they have a tolerance for that which far surpasses the pathetic thresholds of humans. **

**And of course, being _already _insane helps.**

**"Yes. Somewhere where no-one will ever find your mutilated body." With a giggle, it begins cleaning its teeth with the spikes of its Millennium Ring, opening the window with its free hand. "So, better start running. You've got a ten minute head start before we hunt you down and kill you."  
**

**Needless to say, Yakou starts running.**

* * *

**UAB**

I think I owe you an apology, and a congratulations for making it right to the end. Yes, the irony of it all is that this partial rant on fanfiction is in itself a fanfic where roughly 60% of it is appalling writing, yes, it was pretty damn painful to write, no, I don't normally go on the attack like this, and yes, I'm currently on A Bit Of A Warpath. No, I wasn't even _thinking _about the freaking contest when I wrote this, I pretty much swiped it off the adopts list and forgot all about the contest, I just figured I was going to damn well write this pairing, and so I did. And it was pretty much a very angry little semi-trollfic and then I remembered I had to submit it and and auugh what the cheeseballs I don't even gaaaaaaahhh.

No, none of these are valid excuses for the horror that is this story, the things it might have done to your mind, or the damage it's done to my sanity. No, not even a combination of my 'rweasonz' can even partially excuse me for sitting down and pretty much going 'You know what I hate? Bad fanfiction!', and then writing _this_ freaking abomination in a flurry of angry Author rage.

So, well done on getting all the way to the end. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt all the way through, presumably hoping that it would somehow get better as you read on. Feel free to flame, because you without a doubt earned that right. (And if you were just reading it because blah blah contest blah, I am _truly _sorry for doing this to you.)

I'm going to go and sit in the naughty corner now...


End file.
